Shady Covered Bridge… July heat in St.Louis. After exploring the bridge, run my hands along the original beams, and walk the wooded path, I find myself a shaded spot. A rock with my name on it. Feet in the cool creek water.
Families in the distance playing in the creekbed and jumping from the bridge. Laughter echoes in the open space. Schools of fish quickly dart past me in the crystal-clear stream. It’s perfect here. Peaceful.
On one of my crazy, unpredictable road trips when I found this hidden gem. No expectations or demands in my Durango. Just me and an open road. Music. Wind. And, places like this where I can write or take pictures or just sit and reflect.
Throughout this journey of my rediscovery, time has not been kind. It happened during a time not fair to others. However, I didn’t ask for any of this but pain surrounds me. It is becoming extremely difficult to separate their pain from my own, especially when blame and criticism takes place so freely.
Admittedly so, I’m still healing. Learning every day. Trying my hardest to be a better person by controlling things I know I can. Living presently has helped with this. Having anxiety makes it difficult to get through meaningless tasks; therefore, I’m tackling one day at a time. The past is meant for learning and the future is meant for goals. Today matters and how I handle myself and how I react to others.
Awareness is daunting. Ugly. Sad. Very disappointing.
I’ve already taken a look at myself and I’m well aware of the many flaws I possess. But, being called out by others, especially those in your tribe, is gut-wrenching. When I seek advice, that’s understandable, otherwise they’re unwelcomed opinions.
My soul has been wide-open for the better part of a year. I’ve been nothing but honest, maybe too honest but I never pretended to be anything else. Maybe others are just now catching up?
Problem is, it’s everywhere I turn and I’m beginning to doubt myself, my actions, and decisions. Well, I don’t want to question myself. Not after what I went through to find Meg. I like her. And, that’s enough, for me.
It may sound selfish or lonely to some and I’m truly sorry but I wake up and go to bed with myself every day. I have to be okay with who I am in order to be a productive person. Helpful, caring, loving, happy. Without those things, I am nothing.
Without Meg, I am not whole and that isn’t good for anyone, especially those in my tribe.