Throughout my awakening, I experienced a rush, among a plethora of other emotions. The problem with such an intoxicating feeling is you tend to develop tunnel vision. Consumed with the want, desire, and power to finally fulfill every dream I once had. Every dream I suppressed for so many years.
Those dreams, for me, were real independence. Writing. Traveling. Freedom. My own voice. ME.
And in my pursuit, I’ve written two manuscripts, gone on several road trips, taken up hiking and lost 60 lbs, gotten once-forbidden tattoos, and learned to be my own person. Just me. No more titles. Just Meg. Most importantly, though, is how much I’ve learned to love myself and truly accept my flaws as part of who I am, tiny imperfections that make me, Meg. With that discovery, I also appreciate and respect others for who they are as well, without judgement or criticism.
The tunnel vision has become problematic, though, because I still have responsibilities. Fuck expectations and demands. I’m done with those annoyances that so many others in today’s society struggle to live by. Expectations is how I lost myself so many years ago.
Since my dreams consist of becoming a writer and I work FT, it is difficult to fulfill that particular one. Writing is done in the evenings and on weekends. Road trips are part of that process; take me to places I write. Hence, how I started hiking. Due to so much time devoted to my writing and new adventures, my life looks very different than what it used to. Extremely different.
I’m no longer the dedicated housewife or devoted mother. Gone is the backseat driver to everyone else’s life. I became selfish and started doing things for myself. I’ve never neglected my children’s needs but many have judged otherwise. However, time-outs from my writing, like this weekend, make me realize moments with my family are passing me by.
Today, the moments were simple. Nothing spectacular. My daughter and I enjoyed a lunch date and shopping. Chatted and laughed together. I took a drive with one of my labs and washed my beloved Durango. Something my father instilled in us; take good care of your vehicles. I relished in the fact my teenage son took a nap with me and both our labs. Something very rare and special to hold on to. To end the day we went to the movies, as a family. Simple moments strung together with the people I love. My tribe.
Again, another part of what makes me who I am. Being a mother may not define me but it is a huge part of who I am and always will be, even if I’m not the kind of mother my mom is. Once what I considered a grave failure, on my part, is an acceptance of differences between me and my mom, as individuals. Extremely difficult and shamefully unbearable for several years, but honest.
Although I have lofty goals and dreams, I still have a present life. Here and now. Ironically, I try my best to process each moment, good or bad, and accept it for what it is. Cherish the good. Let go of the bad. But I’m not taking enough moments out of my life for opportunities. Opportunities with my family for more moments. Moments with my tribe.
The tunnel vision got the better of me but I’m aware and moving forward. Past is for learning. Present for living. Future is for dreaming. Fortunately, I’m living my journey differently. Those once-so-called dreams are now goals.
One of my goals for this new year was spending more time with my family. We’re eating more meals around the table. Taking more time-outs, like today. And I look forward to more moments. Moments with my tribe.
Life is your own story with birth as its prologue and death as the ending but only you have the power to fill its chapters.
Thank you for following my journey. And sincere thanks for sharing with others as I try reach any many people as I can with this blog.
Live your own journey. Be the best version of yourself.